Saturday, October 3, 2009

Am I Bitter? Don't surprise me!

It occured to me that my attitude might turn some people off. I am VERY BITTER about what happened to me. The things I mention here on this blog should never, ever, be left to the patient to discover. Surprise is not a word that most people want to use in conjunction with their medical treatment. I was in for the surprise of my life when I went in for a simple broken arm.

I was surprised that my Doctor never showed up prior to surgery to explain the surgery to me. NOBODY bothered to do this for me. I was surprised, shocked and HORRIFIED when this evil poison Versed was injected into my IV after everything I said about staying awake and alert, and all the problems I have had with previous surgeries and anesthetics. I was even more horrified to find that I was rendered obedient and actually helped them give me general anesthetic which I had vigorously declined. I was helpless. More HORROR when it was explained that I didn't have a leg to stand on and couldn't complain because "you can't possibly know what happened, we gave you a little something to cause amnesia!" (actual quote from Dorothy, patient relations.) I didn't get amnesia, but this sure explained a lot of why I was treated like a sub human! Shouldn't this have been explained to me prior to surgery? Shouldn't I have been able to say no? I specifically declined any drug like this, but here is another quote from Dr. B "If you had known what Versed was, you could have declined it." Well, I did decline anything that would incapacitate me or anything that was debilitating. Doesn't that cover Versed? I said that I wanted to be awake and alert and watch the surgery. Does that include Versed and general anesthetic? Why would anybody think that it's OK to do this to a person? I wasn't nervous or apprehensive! I had open reductions on my Femur TWICE without any Versed or general anesthetic.

Waking up to find that my hand was numb, my thumb didn't work, my upper arm was in excruciating agony, and there was an incision straight through all my tendons was a horrible surprise. Of course my Doctor was unavailable following surgery as well. I was left to discover just what had happened all on my own. I am still trying to figure out why this is so. Am I supposed to just trust the Dr. to do whatever he/she wants, and not care about the consequences? Does it matter that I needed my hand to work as I am really active? Am I supposed to just be grateful that my wrist is MARGINALLY straighter regardless of what I had to give up in soft tissue function? (Not to mention the PTSD which is pretty profound. ) What would be the point of concealing all of this? It's against patient rights laws, but I am trying to figure out the mental process by which medical people decide that the patient doesn't matter, just performing surgery, the devil take the consequences.

Can anybody else imagine the TERROR of knowing that your arm is screwed up, and there is NO WAY IN HELL you will trust anybody in the medical field again? I KNEW the surgery was bad. I know my body better than anybody else. I could feel the screws tearing at my flesh and I knew what could happen, but there was NO WAY I was going to go through the indignity of another surgery at this same hospital, and no way was I ever going to go through the mental disintegration of Versed for any reason, even to save my wretched life! I had my first panic attack in my life right there in Dr. M's office when he told me that not only was he NOT going to take out the offending hardware, but that even if he did, that I would have to have Versed and general anesthesia again as he doesn't work on conscious patients! OMG!!!!!! Why didn't he tell me that all of this would take place BEFORE I was stuck with the porcupine device in my arm? Dr. M never mentioned one single word about this in our expensive "consultation!" I was so terrified I wanted to steal Novocaine from my dentist's office and attempt to take the screws out myself. I don't want to be a cripple! I was completely unprepared for any of this! I couldn't believe that somebody I trusted to HELP me would damage me this much and conceal the horror of it all so that I would let him operate...

I still have not received any answers to my questions, only attitude from everybody involved. I didn't start out with my nasty attitude, it congealed from 3 years and more of trying to get answers. Originally I was hurt, devastated that these people thought so little of me personally that they felt confident smashing into my brain and body without permission and without telling me the true results of the surgery or the anesthetic. I am such low life SCUM that my wishes don't matter? I am too STUPID to decide for myself whether I wanted all this? I am too IGNORANT AND UNEDUCATED to be given any information because I "wouldn't understand it anyway?!" Am I so UNIMPORTANT that the surgery should be performed like you see on this blog? How would you feel? Would you be bitter? This whole thing ruined my life. It damaged my husband's life and my little girl's life. It might not seem like much to you, but I deeply resent all of this. I am not somebodies DOG!

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